Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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