No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
