I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
