I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize