I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
