My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
