Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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