Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
