You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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