so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
