My nipple is on Facebook.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
