i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
