oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
