But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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