My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
