I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize