i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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