dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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