you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize