She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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