Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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