On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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