Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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