I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
