You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
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What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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