I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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