I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
