i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
