I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize