my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
