I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
