Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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