Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
