I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
