That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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