I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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