Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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