Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
