I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It was like giving head to a cactus.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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