What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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