i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize