I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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