and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
