Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
