i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
