Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
