Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize