I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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