Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
