I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
