I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i think i have two assholes
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
