Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
