My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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