Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
