i was born a porn star she said
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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