the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
