I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The Olympian is in my bed
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