I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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