i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
