true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
