ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Randomize
