Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
