Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
