Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
