I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
