I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
