Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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