the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
