If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
