the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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