She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
