His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
