I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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