Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
