so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize