I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
