good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
